Falcor, Dimples and The Unreal Housewife

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Lord knows I love me some good old-fashioned car-crash TV. Chuck in a handful of low-grade celebrities, a sleazy cheating scandal, and golly, pass the popcorn!  Yes, I’m talking about LeAnn Rimes, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville, the Toxic Trio who might just serve as a reminder that your divorce from your cheating ex really wasn’t all that bad. Maybe.

If you’ve somehow missed this holy clusterfuck here’s the basics: married father of two, Dimples, embarked on an affair with Falcor (married with no kids) whilst co-starring in a forgettable made-for-TV-movie. The details are a bit muddied but one thing is clear: when rumours of the affair were initially bandied about Dimples immediately went to the cheater’s first line of defence: deny, deny, deny.  Then the tabloids got ahold of some damning video and the jig was up.  Dimples, like most cake-eaters, brushed off the Falcor fling as a ‘speed bump’ – which is just wow: the married guy you’re banging calls you a speed bump, publicly, which is kind of like saying you’re road kill or something.  Cue the betrayed spouses desperately trying to save their marriages.

Sadly, it turns out Falcor wasn’t the only speed bump in town and when The Unreal Housewife figured out that Dimples was speed bumping his way through half the waitresses in Hollywood she dumped his slimy, serial-cheating ass and filed for divorce. Dimples, a washed up D-lister with few job prospects on the horizon, found his soft place to crash land with the moneyed-up Falcor, who promptly divorced her husband.  Everyone accepted the painful turn of events, of course: the soul mates were married, blissful blended families abounded, the exes skipped merrily into the future with nary a backward glance, and all was right in La-la Land. Or not.

Here’s the rub: when all was said and done – and despite being joined hip to bikinied hip with her booby prize – Falcor went all SWF on The Unreal Housewife.  She used the same surgeon for her same-sized bolt-ons,  allegedly copied The Unreal Housewife’s wedding to Dimples, used the same wedding dress designer and nearly the same location.  Then she started dressing like her husband’s ex and driving the exact same vehicle.

All that’s very odd, no doubt about it, but then we come to that little problem Falcor has with Twitter, where she seems to spend most of her time passively-aggressively baiting The Unreal Housewife (leading to The Unreal Housewife losing her shit every so often) and posting endless pictures of herself, her husband and his kids whilst tweeting about how fabulous and wonderful and perfect her life truly is.  This crap has been going on for a couple of years, culminating with Falcor being the first known human to ever enter Twitter rehab (after she filed suit against a random ‘hater’ who had recorded a truly fucked up phone call Falcor made to her).  Before the rehab had a chance to take hold the feuding began anew, with accusations of laxative abuse, eating disorders, alcoholism…you name it, they’ve slung it.

Dimples, meanwhile, does what any self-respecting Narcissistic doucheball would do: he just sits back and watches while his second wife and his first wife go toe to toe over who’s the bigger lunatic (Falcor is well ahead at this point).  This guy is just about as passive-aggressive as Falcor: he refuses to attend parent-teacher meetings with his first wife and refuses to respond to any phone calls from her.  Get this: he insists she talk to his assistant about any issues she might have, even concerning the kids. What is it with these cheating assholes who act like they’re the injured party?  Oops, sorry, back to the story.

And so we come to Sunday night and the already infamous interview with Falcor, conducted by a woman who looks remarkably like a preying mantis.  The interview was a real eye-opener (no pun intended): Falcor talked about the hurt she experienced in the wake of the affair, Dimples (fresh from his tune-up at Douchbags R Us) popped in to say that the affair wasn’t frivolous, Falcor did the fake ugly cry whilst fluttering her hands like Mariah Carey hitting an especially difficult high note, Dimples moaned about how unfair it was that he and Falcor are always being bashed, Falcor hates being called a homewrecker…wah wah wah…call these two a whambulance.

The funny thing here is that while Falcor and Dimples seem to be wallowing in their mutual misery and unable to move on from their anger and upset (although why they’re angry and upset is one for the cosmos…or maybe for Cosmo), The Unreal Housewife and Falcor’s first husband have done what any self-respecting betrayed spouse should do: once they stopped reeling from the hideous pain of betrayal they picked them selves up and are now going from strength to strength.

Dean Sheremet, a former dancer, actor and, from all reports, all-around nice guy, is not only happily re-married, he’s re-invented himself as an up-and-coming chef, working with some of the top names in the business.  He’s also become a food writer. Well done, Dean!

Brandi Glanville, on the other hand, walked away from her marriage with very little, due to being a stay at home mother while supporting her husband’s career (ain’t that all kinds of same old, same old, eh?). But that hasn’t held her back. While she might swear like a Scottish welder and drink like a man who’s just stumbled out of the desert, she’s also building her own little business empire: first she snagged herself a well-paying spot on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, then a gig as a columnist for an American celebrity magazine.  She’s written a book that’s already climbing the Amazon charts in pre-release, and she has a new clothing line that will no doubt delight a certain kind of sassy lady.  Hurrah for sassy ladies!

So what’s the lesson here, folks, when you realise that your one and only really didn’t give a crap or deserve all that trust, love and attention you offered up?  The lesson here is to pick yourself up, live your life the way you want to live it, and do your best to see that it’s one hell of a roaring success. The cheaters? Forget about them – they’re not worth even one more second of your time.  Some believe in karma, some believe in revenge…I say believe in you and steer clear of toxic waste.

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